Kattiyuki?
by Feast of the Bullfrogs
Summary: A Mary sue has entered the world of Death Note. Will she win the heart of everyone there and have the biggest orgy ever? Or just be completely ignored and tossed to the side? It all depends on your reviews. Crackfic. R&R Please.
1. Kattiyuki is the stupidest name ever

_Warning;_

_The following may cause vomitting, suicidal thoughts, anger, hatred, seizure attacks, albinism, heart attacks, surprise buttsecks, loss of ability to spell properly, telekinesis, levitation during thoughts of sex, consistent thoughts of flowers and unicorns, ect._

_The Author is not responsible for any of these cases._

**Though she will apologize and send you a virtual get well card.**

**Disclaimer; I do not own Death Note. I do however own all my mary sues. **

**Credit; To the General Discussion on Gaia. For twisting my mind into such a way. **

**To my mom. For well, not getting that abortion. Luv ya mom. **

**To my dad. For planting the seed that is me. **

**To Chris Hanson. Because well he's responsible for everything in the universe. And well, I think he deserves a little love. **

**---**

It was a lovely day in Japan. The birds were a-singin' , the sun was shining, the breeze was just right.Of course no one in the Kira investigation team was out taking in any of this beautiful beauty. They were too busy being cramped in a small dark room trying to solve the case of the missing cookie.

I mean Kira.

Light was in the middle of another one of his dramatic thought sequences when a sudden knock came at the door. He glanced at the door. A sudden explosion of thoughts came rushing into his head like a woman's menstrual cycle. _Who is it? _He thought paranoid. _Did they discover my identity as Kira? And hired a man in a clown suit to come by and tell me the news to soften the impact? Oh shit I think I need a pad. _Light closed his eyes and silenced all these ridiculous thoughts before getting back to the documents he was looking over.

"Watari. Are we expecting anyone?" Ryuuzaki asked, taking a brief look at the door. "No sir." Watari replied. Ryuuzaki removed his thumb from his lip and leaped off the chair, sending it into a fit of rage. The chair tossed and flipped into a nearby computer. And since this is Death Note, it was very dramatic. The chair swirled in the air and peirced the monitor before penatrating the tower. Destroying the tower in it's course, that computer was severly thrashed. It would take an uber hax0r just fix such a disaster.

No one seemed to mind though. For they all were waiting. Watching. Everyone there was so fascinated with whatever was on the other side of the door that no one cared that their most valuable resource had just broken. No not the intarwebz you silly billy boats. The chair. Pssh, like the internet ever mattered. That chair was a one of a kind. Made in Switzerland then polished and painted in France. But anyway -

Ryuuzaki peered out of the small hole in the in the door then quickly pulled away and rubbed his eye.

"What is it Ryuuzaki?" Matsuda questioned. "An ominous glowing light," He responded.

"Well I see nothing out of the ordinary," Matsuda said. Ryuuzaki brought his thumb up to his mouth,"Yes I agree. Does anyone oppose to letting this strange ball of blinding light inside?" A series of mumbles came out. All agreeing that this was fine and that letting in an ominous glowing light seemed acceptable.

Ryuuzaki slowly reached for the knob. An eerie silence settled over the entire rom. The tension filled atmosphere would make anyone want to fall over and die. He turned the golden knob and slowly opened it.

Ryuuzaki cocked an eyebrow. A woman about 19 or 20 stood - no floated in front of him. "Greetings." She sang. Her long beautiful white hair sported a black hat with a white lily. The woman wore a long sleeved button up black shirt that was unbutton to show just enough cleavage. She had a black skirt that reached up to mid thigh, showing her long slender hairless legs. Her black boots reached up to her ankles. Her imaculate porclein skin seemed to glow. The mysterious woman's eyes were a beautiful shade of perpetual power puff purple passion.

They stood there for about 2 minutes before Ryuuzaki finally spoke up,"Can I help you.." He trailed off. What was this woman's name? As if reading his mind and answering his unspoken question, the woman said,"I am Katie Maritobishifujitariaki Suintayukichankawaiidesu. But...You may call me Kattiyuki-chan," Ryuuzaki stared in disbelief. Right behind this woman...was the biggest bag of chocolate he had ever seen. He quickly rushed passed Kattiyuki and inserted a dollar into the machine then happily proceeded back into the dark congested room.

"Excuse me." The woman huffed. In all the buzz Ryuuzaki seemed to lose his manners. "Ah. I apologize Miss..Katie - ?" His sentance was interrupted by a loud cry from Kattiyuki. "MY NAME IS NOT KATIE. IT IS JAPANESE,NYEH? KATTIYUKI. DESU GET IT RIGHT KAWAII-L-BAKA-KUN!" Ryuuzaki slowly turned his head. He didn't want to deal with this right now. "Light-kun. I think it's for you." He said nonchalantly. Honestly, just the mear presence of this girl was bringing his mood down.

Light slowly put down his papers and slowly walked up to the doorway. Another dramatic prognostication was forming in his mind. _So. He HAS found out my identity. I bet there's Ashton Kutcher on the other side of that door about to give me a ridiculously giant check then somehow jump out of it and tell me I have just been Punk'd and I'm going to be exucuted for being Kira. Damn that L._ Light reluctantly approached the door. He was confused. Where was Ashton Kutcher? "You don't look like Ashton Kutcher," He remarked aloud.

"Nani?" The girl giggled. "I'm not Ashton Kutcher-kun you silly baka." Light winced at the girl's upbeat and unbearable voice. Ryuuzaki lazily held out his hand towards Kattiyuki. "This is...Kattiyuki. From..." The girl smiled, "I was sent here from America. They asked me to help you two with the investigational," Ryuuzaki and Light looked at each other and repeated what the girl said as if to properly assimilate her idiotic way of speaking."Investigational? Don't you mean, Investigation?" Light corrected. She replied with a giggle. "America isn't affiliated with the Kira ordeal. In other words; They have nothing to do with it." Ryuuzaki said.

Kattiyuki blinked,"You silly Kawaii Neko Desu Chan! You guys need me more than I thought!" She pushed aside the two confused men and sat down in front of the tragically destroyed computer. Everyone watched in awe as she waved her hand over the broken machinery. It instantly flew back to together flawlessly.

Everyone stared at each other as if to say,"I'm hungry. GET ME A WHOPPER."

---

**Sooo how is it so far? Seriously I need some serious ego stroking so make the reviews good.**

**But don't be intimidated my my greatness. Tell me what can I improve.**

**And don't be an idiot. I was kidding. I would really like some advice please. **

**But ego stroking is all good. **


	2. SIMPLY DIVINE

**D: So thank you for your enthusiastic reviews. Really they were **_**wonderful.**_** Haha. I'm just kidding. I'm glad to be getting any reviews. ;D**

**And guess what guys!? I made this one..short. I'm going to try to stay active on this okay? I'll try to update everynight. Believe me. I probably can. I have a lot of free time. **

_**And if you guys think it's good i'll write one with Mello,Matt, and Near. **_

**So review. **

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN DEATH NOTE. THAT JAPANESE GUY DOES.**

**---**

_This elite hax0r is obviously part of some some feindish conspiracy. They're all onto me. They sent her to annoy the shit out of me until I finally crack. _Light thought in his head. _Damn you L. You're a clever - _"Light-kun," Ryuuzaki said, snapping him out of his overlydramatic thoughts. "Do you think you could show...Kattiyuki-san to a desk...in that corner over there?" Light coughed,"Uhh sure." He replied politely.

"OH MY GOD!" Kattiyuki squeeled with delight. "LIGHT-KUN. I NEED TO TALK TO YOU OUTSIDE, NEH?" Light sighed and followed her out. "What is it?" He asked her, obviously annoyed.

She took a deep breath. "I can see your shinigami," she said in a sudden serious tone. Light's hair turned a dramatic red. _I knew it! _He awaited for his big plastic check and Ashton Kutcher. But neither of which came. Instead, the girl touched his arm with a postively LOVELY sparkle infested peice of pink paper.

A bright light flashed in his eyes then everything went black. The room spun around and a bald man leaped from the darkness and began doing the worm. Suddenly a bright yellow light flashed. Seventeen men in pink robes and matching belts appeared above him, chanting,"WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO. GOT TO DO WITH IT." They then began melting. Melting onto his pale face. Like acid, Light began to melt as well. He regained his solid form but could not move.

"Am I stoned?" Light asked in wonder. Kattiyuki removed the the SIMPLY DIVINE piece of paper and Light snapped back to reality.

"What the fuck was that?" He exclaimed. One look behind her and he ever so masculinely fainted. Right there, behind that girl, was...some kind of mystical hybrid.It had the ears of a forest nymph and the tail of a majestic unicorn. It had the body of of a fairy and the head of Chuck Norris. "LIGHT! My darling!" Kattiyuki cried. Her tears slowly fell to the ground and broke into a million peices. Like the most delicate diamond. Light imediatly regained conciousness and pushed her away. "What in heaven's name is THAT?"

She giggled. "Why, that's my shinigami! Rosebudpetals! She was a hooker in the Shinigami Realm. But I bet right now you're wondering how I can see Ryuk." Light frowned,"Ryuk isn't even here." Kattiyuki blinked,"I can sense him." Light's shoulders dropped and he buried his face in his hands. During , Kattiyuki pulled about a black Death Note with a red rose imprinted on the cover.

"When I was little. My mother died while giving birth to me. When I was three my dad died in the war against Iraq. Then my mother was stricken with a fetal sickness. Cancer. She caught it from my father who died three years later. Right before she died, she gave me this Death Note and told me to continuously stock someone with an incredibley gay name. Which is your last name,backwards. She then got drafted and sent into the halocaust to be murdered by Japanese men in giant pink robes. My father thought this was all too much to bear and committed suicide, then proceeded with a job at our local newspaper. Which was EMBARASSING. UGH. The rose represents her love for me. And that my father will always be with me. A few years later she got trapped in a shooting at Virginia Tech. After this I was so confused...my father began molesting me and I -" Light stopped her heartfelt story.

"That made absolutely no sense." He remarked. "MAYBE NOT TO YOU. YOU STILL HAVE BOTH YOUR PARENTS." She cried out. Light blankly got up and walked back into the room.

She followed him with her hands politely folded. Light shook his head and walked back to his desk. Kattiyuki's expression changed."Ryuuzaki-san...I..need to talk to you." Ryuuzaki made a face and followed her out of the room. "I..know your real name," Kattiyuki said quietly. He cocked an eyebrow,"Can you prove this?" She blinked, confused.

"It's..Larry." She said.

"No it isn't." He replied.

"...Lenardo?"

"..No."

"Lezley."

"..."

"Lassidy? Lobster? Lamp? Lindy? Leprechaun?"

"Wait,yes."

"...Leprechaun is your real name."

"You're a genius."

Ryuuzaki rolled his eyes and started for the door. "I know my intellectual challenge you!" Kattiyuki cried. "But don't be intimidateding! I will let you solve the Kira case yourself. I know of your pride...Leprechaun. I have ever since we were young children at..wumbo's orphanage."

He stopped in his tracks. But proceeded walking in the room. She floated after him.

---

Reviews fuel my writing energy.

I already have the next chapter planned out.


	3. Light's secret stalker

**:'D Omg I love you guys. **

**Oh and I forgot to tell you that this begins right around the time that Light joins the investigation team. **

**---**

Ryuuzaki squatted down on his chair and brought a thumb up to chew on the edge of his nail. Kattiyuki did the same. He turned to her with an annoyed questioning look. "It's a habbit." She replied. He sighed and turned to the monitors. She did the same.

Kattiyuki yawned and slouched a bit, "I NEVER EVER sleep. My father's mother was a vampire," She yawned again. "And besides, being a mystical genius and all, there isn't any need for sleep."

Ryuuzaki ignored her and picked up a cookie. He was about to bite off a peice when she snatched it away. Kattiyuki giggled,"Remember when we used to stay up together like this when we were kids? At Winslow's?" Ryuuzaki made a face,"Come again?" Kattiyuki giggled again,"You were always so clueless,Leprechaun." Ryuuzaki questioned himself whether or not he should tell her that his name wasn't Leprechaun. But he decided not to. It would just lead to another pointless unwanted conversation between the two.

And he wanted to keep communication to a minimum.

Ryuuzaki picked up the remote and replayed something. "Interesting," He mumbled. Kattiyuki nodded,"Yes I think indeed so equivilantly," she remarked. "Great minds think alike,neh?"

He shifted in his seat a little and stared down at his plate. He picked up a fork and stuck it in a strawberry then lifted it up to his lips when he noticed Kattiyuki starting at him from the corner of his eye. Ryuuzaki stopped for about two seconds then opened his mouth and popped the strawberry into his mouth. Kattiyuki was still staring. He slowly chewed and swallowed.

She was still staring.

"Could you please stop staring at me?" He asked obviously annoyed. He turned to look at her. She blushed and looked away. Ryuuzaki frowned at looked back to the monitors. For awhile all was peacefull and quiet. He'd almost forgotten she was there until he heard a raspy cry.

"WAS LOST AND NOW I'M FOUND!" The voice screeched. He dropped his fork onto the plate with a loud rattle and turned to his side. Kattiyuki was surrounded by squirrels and birds. A bright light was beaming down on her and her eyes sparkled. A rainbow formed above her and tiny unicorns and leprechauns slid down to dance to the sound of her high pitched whines. Ryuuzaki's eyes widened but he still remained motionless.

Kattiyuki smiled at him, mistaking his scared expression for a lustfilled stare. Obviously satisfied with his reaction she began screeching louder. Birds twirled around her head and her hair turned into a color he had never seen before. There are no words in the english language to properly describe the color and texture of her hair other than some made up word like Mystagicalicous. Her eyes turned into that of an irish golden potato.

Kattiyuki puffed out her chest and screamed at the top of her lungs. Ryuuzaki covered his ears knowing it wouldn't do any good and stumbled out of his chair. He walked into the bathroom and locked the door. Still hearing her cries he briefly looked at the lighter on the sink.

For a split second there, L Lawliet. The world's greatest dectective. Always rational and calm, considered suicide.

_Hmm. He must've ran away in an effort to hide his gigantic boner because of my spenderous singing. _Kattiyuki thought. She floated away on a magical rainbow,out the window and into the night to look for her man meat.

When he was sure the singing had stopped, Ryuuzaki opened the door slowly and walked back to his chair. He stared at it then walked around. Scanning the area. He came back to the chair and scrupulously sat down. His eyes still darting from corner to corner in the dark room. His vigilance so high that even the slightest sound would've been noticed by him.

Ryuuzaki looked back at the monitor. "Watari, could you please bring me some cake?" He asked. "Of course,sir." He answered and left the room a few minutes later he returned with a peice of chocolate cake."Thank you." Ryuuzaki politely said and took the platter off his hands. Watari bowed and went back to this side of the room and began typing.

**Meanwhile in the KirawhoissecretlyLightYagamihideoutcaveamabonger**

Light sat at his desk. A million thoughts running through his mind. Most of them having to do with Ashton Kutcher. Right as he was about to stratigize his next move as Kira, a knock at the door came. "Light dear. There's a lovely young lady here to see you." His mother said. He cocked an eyebrow and put away the Death Note,"Uhh okay." He said, walking up to the door. He unlocked he door and sighed.

It was _her_.

His mother left,"I'm going to the store, so if you need anything you have my cellphone number okay Light?" Light watched her leave,"Okay mom." As soon as she left Kattiyuki's expression changed.

"Light my darling! I just couldn't be away from you for so long with this secret! I NEED TO TELL YOU!" Kattiyuki cried. She fell to her knees and looked down at the ground. Kattiyuki brought her hands to her face and rose petals fell from her eyes ever so gracefully. Her hair turned into a lucious waterfall of saddening blue. She looked up to him with tearfilled crystal blue eyes. Her thin rose colored lips frowned. Suddenly she was wearing a light blue sparkle covered dress with a slit on the side going up to her mid high. Her shoe straps crisscrossed up to her knees.

"...I...LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" She cried. He cocked an eyebrow and tried to close the door. Kattiyuki stopped the door quickly with her hand. "Didn't you hear me?! I said I loved you!" Light narrowed his eyes.

"And?"

"AND YOU SHOULD LOVE ME BACK!."

"..I don't think so."

"WHY NOT?!"

"I have a girlfriend."

"I WILL KILL HER."

"Good luck with that."

"So you DO care!"

Light rolled his eyes and slapped his forehead. "I'm sorry," He said in a suddenly caring voice. "But maybe your one true love is Ryuuzaki. He really loves you you know. He would do anything for you."

Light tried to hide his disgust as her hair turned Mystagicalious and her eyes turned into irish potatoes. She clasped her hands together and squeeled,"REALLY?!" He winced and nodded. Kattiyuki smiled,"I'm sorry Light. But we can no longer continue this relationship. I..love Leprechaun."

Light narrowed his eyes in confusion. Leprechaun? Kattiyuki raised her arms in the air and turned into a butterfly. She fluttered out the window. As soon as she left he tried writing Leprechaun in the Death Note. He turned to the TV where a news anchor was in a panic,"BREAKING NEWS!" She said.

"A LEPRECHAUN HAS JUST COLLAPSED OUTSIDE OF OUR NEWS STATION!"

He sighed and turned off the TV. Light checked his watch. It was almost time to go down to headquarters and pretend yet another day that he wasn't Kira. He got up and started stripping himself of his clothes. (LOLINSERTFANGIRLSQUEELING.) Not even realizing a figure was watching from the window. The shadow moved away and squirred up a tree then came back down to watch it's faraway lover with nutfilled cheeks.

The stalker watched with lustfilled crazy eyes as Light zipped up his pants and reached for a shirt. Then it suddenly struck him.

The window was open.

It swiftly moved in, eying Light's pants. Getting ready to pounce. When a bright flash of light dashed across the room. A loud scream echoed through the house. A series of chirps and screeches were heard within a 20 mile radius.

Light stumbled back and stared with wide eyes at the scene before him.

Kattiyuki had somehow managed to dive into his room. And was choking a squirrel.


End file.
